just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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