I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
