Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
