The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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