Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
