I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
