If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
