You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
