I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
