who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
