ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
