Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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