I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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