I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
