You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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