sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
