porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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