Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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