If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
