I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
if only i could text you this smell
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
