i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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