We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Duck Duck Cougar?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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