Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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