no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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