kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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