I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
