Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
