I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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