I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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