capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
