i just google imaged poop.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
