The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to align my fucking chakras
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
