Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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