I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Is it penis luge time yet?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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