Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
