How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
