I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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