I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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