Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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