drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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