Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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