All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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