I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
