I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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