I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he thought i was a dude.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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