I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Farmville is her only friend.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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