I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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