I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
