you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
