I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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