also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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