You just made me feel so damn special
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
