I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize