How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
