did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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